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| Ever felt this way? Trump may want a wall, I don't! |
One of the things I have learned moving to the desert, as a single man, is how much I didn't know. Not only was I beginning my life all over again, but I had to meet and make new friends! I started going to a group led by two psychiatric professionals called REAL RELATIONSHIP SKILLS. When the life you have "designed" has a set back, at any age I am realizing, you, well, wonder. What did I do wrong, what could I have done differently? While some things can't be changed, many others can. And ... before I continue here, let me point out that our lives are designed, be it through society, upbringing, religious beliefs, many factors guide us in the choices we make and, as many can attest, not all of our choices, our decisions, are good both for us and those around us.
The class has become intense and we have become an intimate group, one that shares things that never leave the room, and even more, we open ourselves up, often for the first time in our lives to a problem and all help to solve it. In fact, I found it is easier to help someone else than to help yourself.
The teachers began the very first session with 4 Guiding Principles that maintain a relationship:
- Change it
- Accept it
- Leave it
- or, the favorite, Stay Miserable.
The more important issue is that these principles are teachable and if we had all been taught them in high school we might be a happier and more civilized society. I am finding out that while my mother made my sister and I read Amy Vanderbilt's COMPLETE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, then tested us, there were many skills that helped us as adults. However, here was another set of principles that was never written; how to live our lives and survive with other people, even, sometimes, ourselves.
CHANGE IT
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While asking may feel
this way it doesn't
have to be!
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Asking for change should be the first step in the breakdown of any relationship. The question is: "How does it make you feel?" I don't know about you, I was never taught that. If anything, our feelings were secondary to everyone else. In our group discussions we realized that not asking for something made us resentful and could cause explosions of anger eventually. So if something in your relationship upsets you, be it at home or work, friends or family, ask for a change.
One of the surprising realizations we made in group was that there were many changes we wanted in our partner, co-worker, boss, even friends and family to make but (1) we often didn't know what we wanted and (2) whether we needed to make change ourselves. Definitely a point to consider.
ACCEPT IT
This was pretty much the way I was raised. My parents argued a lot and they set an example I never wanted to immolate. As a child, I just had to accept it. However, that became my world view and I feel stunted my emotional development.
Accepting may sound easy but its not. Accepting is difficult and since you can't change something that irritates you, you either completely accept it or ... follow the next step which is ....
LEAVE IT
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| Leave it for a short time, or leave it forever. You decide. |
To "leave it," you will find leaving a relationship is never easy and has two different aspects. After an argument, disappointment, something as simple as disagreeing on a TV show to watch, there are two possibilities:
Little LEAVE IT where you simply go to another room, take a walk and clear your mind of whatever upset you. Often it defuses an argument and allows both sides to reconsider.
Big LEAVE IT means you walk out the door and have no intention of coming back, or as Taylor Swift sings, "never, ever!" This is the biggest step of all and the hardest step anyone has to make in any type of relationship. One way or another you got yourself into this relationship and now, through trial and error you feel you must leave. You have tried the other steps and according to your "how do YOU feel" you find you feel pretty crappy and find the time has come to part. Again, it is easier said than done. How many mistresses have heard their married lovers say "I am going to leave my wife" and nothing has happened in 10 years.
Even with this hanging over their heads most people choose the final step which is ...
STAY MISERABLE
The relationship has soured, but you don't want to upset the children, no one in your family has ever divorced and myriad other excuses, yet 50% of all marriages end in divorce and there are more one parent families today than married ones with both mom and dad or two same sex partners. For those that remain unhappy, why not change? Because change is hard. There is an unknown we fear whether it is real or not. I have questioned the concept of "until death due us part." Would we be happier with a contract that after a certain number of years can be renewed or the couple parts ways similar to a car lease? We know remaining together is as poisonous as parting yet I feel the steps above deserve an honest consideration. Our happiness, our "how do I feel" colors all our relationships and not to feel good about yourselves or others is a prescription for unhappiness, not just for ourselves but for all those around us. As they say, "If momma ain't happy, NOBODY happy."
The revelation, for me and the others, has been we had never considered these four steps, at least not quite in this way. Leaving yes, but the alternatives? No! While there are many other decisions and how to handle them in our lives, the creation, the "designing" of our lives is still essentially our own or at least how we handle them. I wish I had known these principles. In class, in every discussion, we keep coming back to these four principles.
Wouldn't it have been nice to know this before a relationship ends? The divorce is final, the partner, angered and gone, parent has died before a reconciliation could have been made?
So, in answer to my question, we CAN design a relationship and while we can't always choose our families, we can choose our other relationships and when things go south take the time and consider these four very basic principles. As for me, I am still a work in progress but it has been a good journey and is allowing me to become the person I have always wanted to be. We can wallow in the past or move toward the future. It's a choice.
Thank you for reading my blog. I invite you to take the time to read earlier blogs where my emphasis is to explore the ways art and design affects our daily lives ... and always has. I share with you what inspires me with the hope that it will inspire you as well. Comments are always welcomed!
Be sure to check my ETSY store ... KrugsStudio.etsy.com. I am adding many new and exciting, collectible birdhouses and craft items. Many of the items talked about here will be for sale there!
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